Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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