My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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