It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
