Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
