Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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