She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
