she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
