We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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