Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
