home. puking in laundry basket.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
