I got chris browned last night
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
