Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
