Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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