My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
