Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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