A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
