while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
