I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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