woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
