the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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