I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
