The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
