Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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