Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
