Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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