i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Shame is for Republicans.
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