My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
