Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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