Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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