you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
