Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
