I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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