I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
