Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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