I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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