He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
