You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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