john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
