I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
