I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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