when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
