I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
