Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
