dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
