There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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