You're my little dorito
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
