I can text with my tongue
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
