paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize