As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
