I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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