my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
