Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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