i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize