I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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