i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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