my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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