I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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