just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
