Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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