I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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