you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
