By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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