Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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