What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
